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Do YOU ever have days like this ? We do all the time !

Stories --- Compaq Gateway IBM No Fear Mice Lawyers

No Fear One Sunday an old biker walks into church and sits down in the front row. As the preacher is beginning his sermon, the devil suddenly appears at the altar. The members of the congregation, including the preacher himself, flee the church in terror, all except for this one old biker in the front row. The devil notices this one biker still in the church and walks down from the altar to confront him. He roars at the man, "Do you know who I am?" "Why of course I know who you are," the man calmly replies. "You're Satan." "And you're not afraid of me like the others?" the devil asks somewhat miffed. To which the biker replies, "No. Why should I be? I've been married to your sister for the last 25 years."

Mice Three mice are sitting at a bar after the funeral of an Ontario mouse killed by an eighty year old lady with a broom. Ttrying to impress each other about how tough they are,the Manitoba mouse throws down a shot of bourbon, slams the empty glass onto the bar, turns to the Alberta mouse and says, "When I see a mousetrap, I lie on my back and set it off with my foot. When the bar comes down, I catch it in my teeth, bench press it twenty times to work up an appetite, and then make off with the cheese." The Alberta mouse orders up two shots of tequila, drinks them down one after the other, slams both glasses onto the bar, turns to the Manitoba mouse and replies, "Oh yeah? When I see rat poison, I collect as much as I can, take it home, grind it up to a powder, and add it to my coffee each morning so I can get a good buzz going for the rest of the day." The Manitoba and Alberta mouse then turn to the Saskatchewan mouse. The Saskatchewan mouse finishes the beer he has in front of him, lets out a long sigh and says to the two, "I don't have time for this bullshit. "Gotta go home and have sex with the cat."

Lawyers Lawyers should never ask a Southern grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer. In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a motherly and elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?" She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you." The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?" She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone,and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him." The defense attorney almost died. The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench, and in a very quiet voice, said, "If either of you bastards asks her if she knows me, I'll throw your sorry asses in jail for contempt."

Compaq Technical Support: ME: I'm having trouble with my computer. COMPAQ: No sweat. What's the problem? ME: I want to install a second hard drive. How do I get into the CMOS? COMPAQ: You don't have to go into CMOS to add a second hard drive. Our computer will automatically detect new hardware and configure it for you. You just need to format it. ME: Can I install a modem? COMPAQ: Yes, set the switches to COM2, plug it in and it's ready to go. We anticipated that you might want a modem and left COM2 open. ME: How can I install a sound card? COMPAQ: Plug in the card and the computer will configure it for you. ME: Outstanding. ME: Can I send email to you with technical questions? COMPAQ: Sure. Our address is in you user guide in the chapter "Contacting Technical Support."

Gateway 2000 Technical Support: ME: I'm having trouble with my computer. GATEWAY: What else is new? ME: I want to install a second hard drive. How do I get into the CMOS? GATEWAY: I've heard of seaweed, but not seamoss. ME: No, the system configuration. GATEWAY: Oh! Simultaneously hold down every letter key that's not a vowel, then press the left ALT key, followed by the right Control key, then F1, F6, ESC, F2, F2 again, and F15. ME: Wait a minute, there is no F15 key. GATEWAY: Yes, you have to press one of the Shift keys and hit F5 and Num Lock at the same time. ME: Good gracious. (Pause) ME: OK, I'm in CMOS. (Long pause) GATEWAY: Uh, what? ME: The system configuration, not the stuff that grows in the ocean. GATEWAY: Oh. What was the question again? ME: How do I tell the computer there is another hard drive? GATEWAY: You can't. Adding new hardware requires a BIOS upgrade. ME: Can I get the BIOS upgrade? GATEWAY: Unfortunately, the only BIOS upgrade that exists for our computers is manufactured by a company located somewhere on Mars. And they won't be shipping until early next year. ME: Damn. ME: Can I install a modem? GATEWAY: You have to go into the system configuration and disable all the COM ports so that you can never use them again. Then set the switches on the modem to any COM port you want since it probably won't work anyway. ME: How can I install a sound card? GATEWAY: Ooops! There's that pesky BIOS problem again. ME: You mean I can't add any new hardware to my computer? GATEWAY: Looks that way. ME: How can I get these options in a Gateway computer? GATEWAY: You have to buy one of our new computers. ME: Can your new computers ever be upgraded? GATEWAY: Of course not. ME: Can I send email to you with technical questions? GATEWAY: You can try. ME: What is the address? GATEWAY: It's printed in one of the 27 manuals that ships with the computer. However, I think you should know we set up several email addresses but we don't know where they went. We suspect they were stolen. Either that or we need to upgrade our BIOS which we can't do until early next year.

IBM Technical Support: ME: I'm having trouble with my computer. IBM: I need to know the model number, serial number, type number, your date of birth, your blood type, and your shoe size. ME: My shoe size? IBM: We have this great idea for a new "Sneakertop" computer and we are trying to gauge our users' average shoe size. ME: I don't need a "Sneakertop" computer. IBM: Our market research department says you do. ME: Oh. ME: I want to install a second hard drive. How do I get into the CMOS? IBM: That hard drive is not compatible. ME: But it says "IBM" on the top. IBM: Oh, there's a chance it might work then. ME: What do I have to do? IBM: If you can get the top off the computer, go ahead and plug in the second hard drive. When you power up the system, it will go into the system configuration. Follow the prompts. (Pause) ME: OK, I did that. Now it's asking for something called a "Reference Diskette in order to complete the installation." What is that, exactly? IBM: It keeps track of the system configuration on a floppy. ME: I thought that information was stored on the hard drive. IBM: It is. ME: So why do I need a floppy disk with the same information? IBM: After extensive market research, that's what we decided that you, the customer, wanted. ME: Have any of your customers ever wanted this? IBM: No. ME: OK. (Pause) ME: Well, what if I can't find the reference diskette? IBM: You mean you don't have it? ME: No, someone else set up this computer. IBM: So much for that. You can't add new hardware without the reference diskette, and there is no way to create a new one. ME: Shit. ME: Can I install a modem? IBM: Yes. Follow the same procedures as with the hard drive installation. ME: Shit. ME: How can I install a sound card? IBM: Again, you need that reference diskette. Man, you're really screwed without that, aren't you? ME: Can I send email to you with technical questions? IBM: If you must. Here's our address.

By the way - this EMAIL works ! Most days anyhow !